Nicotine
by Zanecole421
Summary: Hermione only ever had 3 significant relationships in her life with 3 completely different men that all ended in the same way. Disaster. Will she be able to piece herself back together or has she spiralled too far out of control? Muggle AU with some OOC. T rating for swearing and sensitive content.


Nicotine

 **A/N:** **Based on the song 'Nicotine' by Panic! At The Disco. (I really need to stop doing song-fics but I couldn't help myself with this one ;) ) I'd check it out before you read if I were you to get a feel for the atmosphere of this fic.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter (oh how I wish I did) or the song (fabulousness). Harry Potter franchise belongs to J. K. Rowling and associates and the song to Panic! At The Disco. (Written by Amir Jerome Salem, Brendon Boyd Urie and Dallon James Weekes)**

 **Rated for Teenagers and up for swearing and sensitive content. If you have no desire to read such things I suggest you stop reading now.**

 **Still here? Great! Then I hope you enjoy.**

He broke her. He broke her and he'd freed her. But in a way he also destroyed her. He turned her against herself. He'd made her not care. He made her realise the wrongs in her life. He made some of them worse but he fixed some as well. Due to all of that she couldn't let him go, no matter how much she wanted to. He was her first true love and you never forgot them.

She was tired of being the perfect girl. It was hard work and didn't people notice that most of it was a lie? Yes she loved to learn but it was unnatural how much studying she did. She was always happy and carefree but she cared. She cared too much. About what others thought about her, how she looked, what she did. Everything.

Then he came along.

He was new. People thought his name was weird. _Who calls their kid Draco?!_ they would jeer. She pitied him and became his friend. That was what perfect girls did wasn't it? Look out for the underdog even if you're one yourself.

She didn't like him much to begin with. He was closed off and mean. He smoked as well, something she always frowned upon but he didn't care. He often snuck off campus to smoke so if he was caught – which rarely happened, he was too cunning – the teachers couldn't do anything as it was off school grounds. The worst they could do was send a letter home or bring his parents in for meetings. The school did both. He ignored both.

She went with him sometimes just to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. She knew he wouldn't but you never knew. He gave her one once and she coughed and gagged and vowed never to be pressured by him again.

She wasn't sure how it happened. It was so gradual she didn't notice but it happened nonetheless. She started skipping class with him more frequently. One class a day sometimes. Most of the time with him but increasingly more without him.

She had gotten used to the taste and quite enjoyed them now. It was her release of everyone's expectations of her. Even though she was skipping class her grades didn't suffer. She felt so guilty for missing the lesson, she would stay up until midnight sometimes later catching up and doing extra work. That was the part she hated most about herself. She could never go all the way. She always half-arsed it. No matter what it was.

Maybe that was way their relationship failed. She couldn't go all in. Or maybe it was societies fault. With its expectations of females, she didn't want to be a statistic. _Teenage mothers on the increase_. No, she couldn't do that. She was still her, she couldn't change who she was at the core. She could change her behaviour, her looks, her demeanour but she would always be 'Hermione the friendless swot'.

How she hated labels.

He hated his label too. The 'weird named social outcast who doesn't give a damn about anything'. People would whisper behind his back. _I give him 5 years before someone finds him in a ditch. 7 tops._ He pretended it didn't affect him but she knew better. She was the one that held him went he cried, the one that calmed him down when he threatened to kill someone (which was surprisingly often) and the one that encouraged him to follow his dream of becoming a police officer – encouraged him to be on the right side of the bars. She wondered if he achieved that dream, was working towards it or had given up on it.

What she wondered most about was if he was happy, that was all she ever wanted for him.

She heard a song playing from somewhere. From the openings bars she knew which song it was. Their song. The one they always played on repeat whenever they were together. Sometimes so much until they were sick of it that day only to play it on repeat again the next. They both related to it so well. It held many good memories for her.

 _Cross my heart and hope to die,_

 _Burn my lungs and curse my eyes,_

 _I've lost control and I don't want it back,_

 _I'm going numb, I've been hijacked,_

 _It's a fucking drag,_

They literally were burning their lungs and sometimes they both wished death on themselves or the other. They had both lost control over their lives and in trying to get it back they lost it completely and found solitude in each other. They cut themselves off from everyone else and her parents worried about her but didn't probe. Draco said his mother worried too much and that his father couldn't give a shit and that was all he ever said about his parents. She never asked again. They made themselves numb to emotion. Maybe that was another reason why their relationship failed.

 _I taste you on my lips and I can't get rid of you,_

 _So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do,_

 _Yeah you're worse than nicotine, nicotine,_

 _Yeah you're worse than nicotine, nicotine,_

 _Yeah,_

She could still feel the kisses they shared even though it had been several years since she'd seen him. She wondered if he ever thought about her like she did him. Damn him. Damn those kisses. She'd never been kissed that way since he left and took part of her with him.

Whilst remembering the good times they had, there were some pretty awful times as well. For example – a day she would never ever forget – the day he tries to kill himself. He was bleeding out through several cuts he'd made on his arms, it wasn't enough to kill him but he tried and that scared her. For that moment she was old Hermione, caring, loving and a concerned friend. He didn't try again that she knew of but she knew he still hurt himself and always wore long sleeves since. He had asked her for a first aid kit which she gave without asking why he wanted one. They both knew why.

She was addicted to him for a while. That made him worse than the nicotine they both craved as you can't care for or love a drug but a person you could. She shook her head at herself; _do_ not _relapse, you've only just got over him, do_ not _._

Then he left. Without warning, without a goodbye, just a kiss the previous day which she somehow knew would be their last. In leaving he broke her inside but he set her free. She never realised how bad he was but she liked that. He made her feel alive and then not when he left.

She never forgot him.

It was difficult but she managed to piece herself back together somewhat. Then she destroyed herself all over again.

* * *

Through some miracle she made it into university and started on her plans of becoming a social worker. She wanted to help more people like Draco but do it professionally and in a way she knew would help not just in a concerned friend way.

It was there she met him. He said his mother had forced him to go as none of his five older brothers went and his younger sister had won a sports scholarship so he was using the money they saved to get a decent degree and use it. Or so damn him.

She laughed at him first thinking he made it all up. Then she met them all.

His eldest brother William or commonly known as Bill was married to a lovely French girl named Fleur and worked in bank management. He used to travel abroad a lot but since being married and expecting his first child he settled back in England which his parents Molly and Arthur were happy about.

His second eldest brother Charles or commonly known as Charlie worked in a zoo. Mainly with the big cats like lions, tigers, cougars, leopards and cheetahs. He loved it and was covered in scars from various wounds. He did travel a lot as part of the breeding programme to increase their numbers and was determined to be a bachelor for life so he was free to go from country to country for his research. Molly wasn't really happy with her son being so far away but was happy that he was passionate about his work and improving the way the world functioned concerning wild animals.

Next came Percy who Hermione didn't actually know much about as she had never met him more than a handful of times. Like she used to be, he was absorbed in his work in Parliament and didn't see his family often. Molly and Arthur had mixed feelings about this as they saw him rarely. They were more likely to see Charlie! But he was happy and enjoying life. He had a stable girlfriend which Molly was happy about but he had yet to bring her to meet the family and the siblings teased him endlessly for it saying she wasn't real causing him to get in a huff and retreat to his old bedroom in the family home 'The Borrow' which was the families default meeting place.

Next came the identical twins Frederick and George. Though Frederick was a bit of a mouthful and preferred to be called Fred. You never saw one without the other and tended to come as FredandGeorge. They were successful businessmen if you counted owning a joke shop as successful which Molly did not. Arthur did but agreed with her when she was there as Hermione had already learnt that Molly Weasley was not a woman to cross. Out of all the brothers she thought those two were her favourite as they always made her laugh thus making her forget her pitiful existence for a while.

Then was Ron himself. When in trouble with his mother (which was more often than not) was known as Ronald. He told her that he often felt overshadowed by his brothers as they were all successful in their own way and his sister Ginny was on the fast track to becoming a world famous track athlete. He often had insecurities but Hermione assured him that he was the only one for her which she knew always made him feel better. Though sometimes she doubted if what she felt for him was genuine affection or if she was still hung up on Draco and he was the very late rebound. She wasn't sure but she loved his company and his best friend Harry Potter – whose name she was sure she'd heard somewhere – had quickly become her best friend too.

Though if she was honest it was his sister Ginny or Ginevera to those who didn't know her that she liked best. She was a hilarious girl and sometimes even managed to one up Fred and George. All the boys were scared of her as she was very much Molly's daughter but tell her that you should be prepared to run. Also she was the only other girl close to her age and their where some things that you had to talk to another girl about. And Hermione had surrounded herself with guys for most of her life so Ginny's company was long overdue. She could be quite crude at times but she supposed that came from being the only girl out of seven siblings. Every time Hermione was there she asked how her and Ron's relationship was going which was Ginny's code for how was their sex life going. Hermione was embarrassed to begin with but she was used to it now. Even if it was her brother Ginny wanted to know so Hermione obliged. She was also the only person in the family that knew of her past with Draco.

Hermione still smoked which in Molly's eyes was her only flaw but she wasn't going to stop anytime soon for if she did she thought she would be abandoning Draco in some way. She didn't know why she felt that way but she did.

She had been going out with Ron for two years when he proposed. It came as a shock to her. She thought they would have been dating a lot longer before that happened. Bill and Fleur were expecting their second child and Charlie was now head of his department at the zoo. That meant he didn't get to travel as much but he still enjoyed his work. Percy was now working in the UN and was in running to be the next Prime Minster. The twins had expanded their joke shop into several different countries and were making quite a name for themselves and Ginny was already competing worldwide. Yes she and Ron had both left university and he was on his way to being a police officer which painfully reminded her of Draco. Therefore Ron wasn't going to use the degree he spent three years of his life getting but Molly was happy that he was happy and that he was going to make the world a better place.

She said yes which she regretted as soon as the word left her mouth. In that moment she realised he was a rebound and didn't love him like she thought she did. It was too late to back out now.

Molly was already planning. Ginny was stopping her world career as she wanted to be closer to home when the wedding happened so she would definitely be able to make it. Even Percy promised to make it as he felt guilty about missing Bill's. The twins had already started making jokes about the whole thing and about Hermione being pregnant as the reason for the quick proposal. Molly pulled her aside and asked her point blank if she was which Hermione denied as she wasn't. Molly looked a mixture of happy and sad as Hermione knew she wanted lots of grandchildren. So far the only one to provide was Bill. Charlie was still determined to be a bachelor for life; the twins were too busy with the shop to focus on a family though George was going steady with Angelina who was a girl they went to school with. Percy was married to his career and the mysterious girlfriend never made an appearance. Apparently she ran off with someone who wasn't so career driven. Even Ginny was going steady with Harry. Ron had mixed feelings about that but accepted it as it was. Hermione was still sure she'd heard his name somewhere but couldn't for the life of her remember where.

Ron was ecstatic that she said yes and was already planning their future together. They would live in a house in the country surrounded by fields so that had lots of room for the children to play in; so far Hugo, Rose and Molly II; Ron would be the police officer of the local area and Hermione would be a housewife. She wasn't happy with that last detail. She slaved for her degree and wanted to use it unlike some people she could mention. She also didn't know if she wanted children let alone three! Also she was more of a city person. She wondered if Ron knew her at all or if he just deluded himself in thinking he loved her when he didn't.

She had to get out of this. She knew it would create a storm and the Weasley's would probably hate her for life but she couldn't do it. She couldn't marry a man she didn't love. But how? She couldn't just leave him at the altar, that wasn't her. Draco may have made her a rebel in her school days but she had mellowed out somewhat in university. She wanted to do the right thing but she didn't know what it was.

She settled for telling him one day after work. She explained that they simply wanted different things. He took it badly as was expected but she never expected him to lash out at her. He had never struck her as a violent man. Maybe it was just the emotional overload of realising he'd been strung along for the past three years. But she realised that she was lucky to get out while she could. As she moved in with him she had nowhere else to go and her parents had moved to Australia for an early retirement. She had no siblings to turn to or close friends that weren't also Ron's friends, one name sprang to mind but she didn't know where he was. Not to mention they hadn't seen each other in just over 5 years.

She found herself in an inn that night and heard her song come over the loud speakers. It had stopped being their song a couple years before. She still related to it and wondered if he did too. It was loud in the bar area full of drunk people but she still knew the words well enough that she could follow along without too much difficulty.

 _It's better to burn than to fade away_

 _It'd better to leave than be replaced_

 _I'm losing to you, baby I'm no match_

 _I'm going numb, I've been hijacked_

 _It's a fucking drag_

That's what her relationship with Ron was. In the beginning it was a fire, practically an inferno but after the initial rush it faded until they were trying desperately to fan the embers and make the fire again. And it was true. She could see it. If she married Ron she would have been a housewife completely unsatisfied with her life. Becoming bitter and not giving him want he wanted and being too proud to get a divorce he would start seeing other women behind her back. She would find out of course but not let him know that she knew. She would bide her time until she could get sweet revenge. She didn't want to turn into one of those women. Again another statistic she didn't want. Though she supposed she was one now. _Women who run out on their fiancée a couple months before the wedding._ At least it wasn't on her wedding day.

She really wasn't a good match for him or him for her. _Why_ didn't she call it off in university when she first had doubts? _Why?!_ The question she could never answer.

She called the bartender over for a glass of the strongest stuff he had, she didn't care what it was she just drank it. It burned her throat on the way down but "Here's to broken hearts and becoming numb." She called out to no-one in particular. A few of the patrons answered her with similar sayings.

Why were all her relationships dragged through the dirt?

 _I taste you on my lips and I can't get rid of you,_

 _So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do_

 _Yeah you're worse than nicotine, nicotine_

 _Yeah you're worse than nicotine, nicotine_

 _Yeah_

She missed his kisses though. They were sweet and soft, like he didn't want to hurt her. Draco was rough and meant business. She liked both and couldn't decide which she liked better. Maybe a mixture. But then again she didn't believe in chaste kisses. If you liked someone you let them know and tell them you mean business by letting them know what they were getting into.

She did miss the sweet times with him. He was ever the gentleman and always doing his best to please her but he did some pretty bad things too. Accusing her of cheating, more than once actually. The little jabs about her weight and her hair. She couldn't help that her hair was uncontrollable! Draco said it was her best feature. Why did she keep compared Ron to Draco or Draco or Ron? She didn't know.

Also why did she always remember the bad things in her reflection of her horrible relationships and not as they occurred? If she did she could have saved herself a lot of heartbreak.

If Draco had been her good kind of nicotine, Ron was the bad kind. The kind that didn't give you a buzz but turned you into someone else. She guessed that was true as he was trying to change her. He couldn't take the fact that not only were his brothers more successful than him but his wife may have been more than society deemed necessary for her to be. Damn she would have enjoyed that.

She wondered how the rest of the Weasley's were taking their break up. She supposed she should be on the lookout for nine angry redheads, an angry French woman and a livid raven haired best friend. But at that moment with the alcohol going down smooth and her nicotine cravings coming back with a vengeance (she had cut down whilst with Ron to appease Molly) she couldn't care less.

She would deal with it all later. Right now she needed a cigarette (possibly multiple, who was she kidding? Of course multiple), a toilet to throw up in (possibly more than once) and a bed to sleep in (though she wouldn't say no to company. It would numb her feelings more).

* * *

She spent the next few years coasting from guy to guy. She never remembered their names. She didn't need to as after one or two dates she wouldn't see them again. Her record was a whole week before she threw that particular guy out.

She didn't know what she was doing anymore. She worked in the bar in the inn she stayed in when she left Ron and lived in one the staff rooms. She was usually the one to lock up at the end of the night and throw the drunks out. She had no significant other or social life to speak of so she was the perfect candidate.

One night she was thinking of closing up early as she had a pounding headache she saw a redheaded man come in. _Oh Lord help me._ She prayed hoping it wasn't Ron. As it turned out luck was not on her side as it was Ron and he was closely followed by Arthur, Bill, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George and Harry. There were also a couple of men she didn't recognise. She couldn't call them boys or guys now, most of them were adults when she met them.

She went over praying they didn't recognise her whilst motioning to her colleague and now only friend Jasper to help her. He was the bartender the first night she was here and struck up a conversation with her. She told him already no funny business after unloading all her problems on him. He was really sympathetic saying he had been in a similar situation himself but he managed to dodge the bullet before he even proposed to the girl (which he was planning to do) when she proceeded to go psycho on him claiming he had been cheating on her with multiple women. He assured Hermione that those were all lies and true to his word there was no funny business. He offered her the job there and then which she took gratefully.

She had cut her hair since she left and she was wearing her work uniform and make up to hide her blood shot eyes and the bags that were now permanently under them. She wondered over with Jasper on her heels praying to all the gods that she knew off that they wouldn't recognise her or if they did not to make a scene but lady luck had really decided to abandon her as she was met with a roar of:

"Hermione?! What the bloody hell are you doing here?!"

"I work here Ronald." She deadpanned. He stopped being 'Ron' to her a long time ago.

The rest of his group varied in their facial expressions. Ron had a face of pure anger. Arthur looked like he was about to cry. Bill and Charlie looked equally bemused. Percy was gapping like a fish out of water. Fred was staring at her like he'd never seen her before. George was looking from her to Ron and back again like a confused child. Harry had an expression similar to Fred's but his eyes showed how much he had missed her. The other men that she didn't know looked thoroughly confused. She didn't blame them. Then she knew that she may have done the right thing leaving Ron but to abandon the rest of his family was one of the worst things she had ever done.

Ron spluttered and looked like he wanted to hit something. Jasper seeing this pushed Hermione behind him. Ever the noble hero.

"What can I do for you lads then?" he asked smiling just a bit too much. Ron turned his attention to him as he had focused on Hermione the second he saw her and hadn't realised he was even there.

"It's my bachelor party so the strongest stuff you've got." Hermione was gobsmacked. Bachelor party?! How could he have moved on that quickly? Seeing Hermione's reaction to his words he leaned round Jasper and smirked at her. "That's right Hermy." He knew she hated that nickname. "I've moved on. Though it looks like you're still hung up on me."

"In your dreams Ronald." Said seethed back without thinking. She still had some fire left in her.

Jasper sensing a potential fight turned to her and said pointedly said "Hermione. I think your shift's finished. Yes?" She gave him thankful look, Ron a look that could kill and everyone else with him an apologetic smile before she stalked out of the room.

In what she now called home she dressed into her pyjamas, collapsed onto her bed and cried. Not for Ron but for herself. Tears of frustration. Why couldn't he be as broken as she was? She cried for his soon-to-be wife and pitied her. She was either stupid or blinded by love.

Then she cried for Draco. It had been years yet she still missed him. Ron's words echoed in her mind "Still hung up on me." No. she wasn't hung up on Ron, she was still hung up on Draco. Damn her life.

She assumed she fell asleep as she was being shook awake by Jasper hours later. Apparently Ron had gotten completely rat-faced and started bitching about her and all his other exes. His wife-to-be was a woman called Lavender whose name Hermione vaguely remembered from university. She was one of the girls in her dorm. They never got on.

Ron had asked about her but when Jasper didn't say anything he gave up and went back to bitching about her. The others tried to calm him down but to no avail. No-one was sure on how much he had drunk but it was a lot. They had to carry him home. Hermione laughed at that. He hadn't changed one bit then; remembering the parties they went to in university where she had to drag him back to his dorm room.

The next day Hermione was on high alert in case he came back for round two. Which, if she was honest she kind of wanted. She didn't get to tell him what she really thought of him after all. It involved a lot of swear words that would make a sailor blush and probably some physical violence.

Jasper was concerned for her as well and tried to make her go out or stay in her room but she laughed at him saying that she couldn't let Ron win and where would she go anyway? The only places she knew in the town was the inn and bar (her workplace), her room above the inn, the local Co-op, the post office (for when Jasper sent her to mail something) and the clothes shop. Those five places were the only places she went. Oh, and the bus stop for when she felt like going on an adventure (which was rarely).

So she went to work. She served costumers. She poured drinks. She made polite conversation. She threw two blokes out after they thought it would be fun to have some fun with her. That was _not_ happening. She got bored in the mid-day lull and of course she had periodic cigarette breaks.

From the increased stress of her shitty life she smoked more than she ever did and now Ron had waltzed back into her life she imagined it was going to increase to the point where she didn't have any lungs left to burn.

After a week of being on edge and Ron still not making an appearance she relaxed a little but was still on the lookout for anyone with red hair.

Therefore after about a month of no redheads she jumped out of her skin when a redhead walked through the door. Jasper wasn't there to help her this time as he was away visiting his family. She was on her own and nearly had a heart attack but relaxed when she realised that it wasn't Ron. The person was too tall to be Ron and the way they carried themselves reminded her of the twins.

The person turned and broke into a face splitting grin when he saw her. Her analysis was correct as the man turned out to be one of the twins though she couldn't tell which one. She used to be able to she thought sadly.

He sat down right in front of her and grinned. She smiled back and realised that was the first real smile she had given in a long time to someone who wasn't Jasper.

She took a wild stab at his identity. "Geo – no Fred. You're Fred." She grinned and thinking, _Still got it._

He mock bowed in his seat. "The one and only darling." He smiled, his grin spreading across his face.

Conversation came easy between them which surprised her. The other patrons of the bar also noticed how easy going she became around him. Of course she didn't notice this – it was just Fred being Fred.

He became a regular but only on days when he knew Jasper wouldn't be there. She never questioned it, it never crossed her mind to question it.

He always lit up her day with his pranking nature and had suffered under them in the time he was there. He also pranked the other patrons. Some didn't like it but some did and it brought in more business on the off chance that Fred would be there that day. Jasper was pleasantly surprised but didn't question it.

It was some months after he became a regular that he kissed her. She didn't expect it but she welcomed it. They became a couple shortly after but they never told Fred's family as neither wanted to start the inevitable storm that would follow if they did. George knew naturally from being Fred's twin but he could keep a secret and Hermione trusted him.

Jasper, Fred and George were the limit of people she trusted. Surrounding yourself with guys again Hermione. But in truth she didn't mind. She always got along better with guys than girls. She didn't know why but she accepted it for what it was.

One day over the bar speakers that were usually drowned out from the chatter she heard it. Her song. It broke her heart as it instantly reminded her of Draco. Everything in her life seemed to circle back to him in some way.

 _Just one more hit and then we're through_

' _Cause you could never love me back_

 _Cut every tie I have to you_

She thought about the lyrics and realised history was repeating itself. Fred. He was coming less frequently than he used to but she knew his work kept him busy. She thought about all the ways they were different. He was a social animal, she preferred to stay in and read a book (she never lost her love of books, they only person that could rival her collection was Jasper). He loved his family, she had none to speak of anymore and didn't speak to his at all. They didn't even know of their relationship! Yes it was an unanimous decision but still. She didn't know what the 'but' was however it was there; hanging over her head like a cartoon raincloud that only hung over one person. She still smoked which he openly despised and begged her to stop. She didn't. She realised it was time. Time to break herself again.

It wasn't that Fred couldn't love her back, it was that she couldn't. She couldn't string him alone like she did Ron. But how could she break it to him and not end up in the same situation she ended up in with Ron? Or possibly even worse.

She would break up with him tonight. She knew he was coming tonight as Jasper wasn't there. She could do this.

He took it surprisingly well and said he knew it was coming. He said he knew she was a flight risk and couldn't commit to a relationship completely even if she wanted to. She was glad he understood and they parted as friends promising to keep in touch.

Then the accident happened. She didn't know what went wrong but an experiment he and George were developing for the shop backfired. George wasn't in the direct line of fire and only lost an ear. But Fred; he was killed instantly.

She felt like it was her fault. She couldn't grieve with his family as she was dead to them now so Jasper grieved with her. Over time he had grown to like Fred. They weren't best friends but they got on well enough (when Jasper was there for Fred to talk to that was) and Fred had a persona that made everyone like him even if they didn't like his pranks.

She decided she would give up on love. She only hurt those she was with anyway so why did she even try?

She didn't try to put herself back together again.

 **A/N: What did you think of it? It became much darker as I wrote it than I originally intended but what can you do? I also set out with Fred to live (as he's my favourite) but led naturally to his death so I'm sorry!**

 **You can leave it here if you want but there are more parts to this series. Part 2 is called 'The Only Drug I Need' and Part 3 is called 'Return of the Dragon'**

 **Please review, comment or critique as it really makes my day!**

 **Cross-posted on Archive of Our Own under the same name and title.**

 **There now a poll open to decide the outcome of part 4 'With Me Forever' which is yet un-posted.**


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